On my way to self realisation I endured a lot of suffering, hardship & struggling. I experienced a lot of stuck energies caused by trauma & a lot of mental imbalances and I was so exhausted by the end of the integration journey. I was stuck in the mind, in duality (right/wrong) a lot. A friend of mine also going through self realisation said to me “you are choosing the route of the tough Master”.

At the time I thought it was funny, I still thought suffering was a badge of honor, it was only later when I realised how much ancestral stuff I was carrying with me, and how much stuff I was still piling on from the outside, instead of letting go or saying no, that I realised it was no longer funny and I had to do some deep self reflection. It reminded me of Jesus suffering on the cross.

I had become a sponge for imbalances to see if I could bring them back into balance again.

I wasn’t really aware of how hard I was making it for myself until I saw another creator being, who was effortlessly creating and allowing abundance to come in, without all the struggle. He wasn’t taking on stuff from others. He said no without any issues to experiences that weren’t serving him, he didn’t feel guilty, he wasn’t fearful or cared what would come back at him from the outside. He was truly allowing energies to serve him and he was true to himself, he wasn’t constantly in people pleasing mode out of lack or fear.

Whenever I had to make a decision in the past, I was ridden with guilt or low self worth or I had thousands of spiritual belief systems that were pulling me in different directions, leaving me feeling exhausted and doing the opposite of what I wanted to do. I had a hard time being “real” with myself because I was still being pulled by stuff that wasn’t really mine.

As I was reflecting on why things were so hard for me, I realised I took on all the guilt, shame, mental imbalances, suffering & lack of self worth from my family & humanity to see if I could overcome them within myself and to create a new potential for humanity.

Otherwise why would any angel take on suffering or low self worth?

I did it to help transmute very dysfunctional energies. Yes I have taken on issues that were really not mine to see if I can transmute them. It sounds so silly in hindsight but think about it, how much stuff do you take on that is not yours?

Biological issues, mental issues, belief systems, addictions, financial issues etc.?

How much stuff have you allowed in and just accepted as yours?

These problems, physical, emotional or spiritual are not yours. You are pretending they are yours. Probably feels like it is yours but they are not. Because you took them on, you can also let them go whenever you want. (*easier said than done at times)

What would your life would be like if you aren’t taking on the issues that you are taking on?
What if the issue of lack of financial abundance, just barely enough wasn’t really yours?
What happens if you realise that you could let go of this thing called depression, that it is not yours?

Wouldn’t life would be wonderful without this baggage or would you feel guilty that you let it go?
Would you feel that you were neglecting your service to mankind?
Would you feel that you were being selfish?

Ask yourself “Do you want to continue taking on issues or let them go?”
If you let them go, how are you going to feel about yourself?

If you are anything like me in the past, you might say I don’t want to let go, I really feel I am doing something for humanity, by solving the problem within me, I create the potential for healing for others. But wait!

What if…you let go of these issues and by letting go, the energy that was in conflict, resolved itself and that became the template. That became the healing.

What if you no longer have to carry that burden, but by simply letting go it creates a new template and you become the new Standard.

Ask yourself if there is a better way to serve humanity.
Ask yourself what would it look like to be a Standard for your family, friends, humanity…for yourself!

A Standard doesn’t carry a cross around like Jesus, or hurts him/herself.
A Standard doesn’t need to be broke or constantly has illnesses in the body that wears them down.

What if as a Standard you realise that you have just been buying into a lot of stories but they are really not who you are?
What if you no longer need to be addicted to those stories?

What would it take for you to allow a life of abundance in, instead of self sabotage or suffering?

There are many pathways to self realisation beyond suffering!

Which one are you choosing?

Personally for me it was a mega intense year filled with days of total exhaustion, struggling, depression & confusion, having little energy left for anything else, as all the energy went into integration of aspects, going beyond DNA/ancestry, dissolution of old stories, integration of past lives, releasing of guilt and shame, being part of designing new earth, integrating the mind, discovering my own song of the soul, integrating with gnost (intuition), releasing trauma, grounding consciousness, integrating my human self, going beyond time, releasing 1000 spiritual belief systems, integrating discernment, allowing my creator abilities to come forth and bring some imbalances around health, abundance & money into balance. I felt the SEV (Sexual Energy Virus) really strong, sugar coated love & anger, twisted consciousness to avoid anything but the truth.

I felt myself being more multi dimensional than ever over the last year, being able to perceive many timelines at once. I also had incredible experiences of cosmic consciousness. The biggest thing to integrate which was the hardest and caused me the most confusion, it was such a mind fuck to be honest, was that the energy is all mine. All my perceptions of “other people” & how I perceive reality was all mine. It was part of stepping into sovereignty. Realising that everybody has their own BON screen/projector to project their own reality on and that we don’t all share a common Bon screen but we do have certain shared agreements to exist in this reality. I was so caught in other people’s perceptions, mass consciousness, family perceptions, that I couldn’t tell my perception apart from other people’s. There was also a sadness that came with it when I realised other people weren’t having the same experience as me. It felt a bit weird at first. I wanted to be in agreement with others all the time.

I was so used to listening to other people’s opinions for truth, to look for a blueprint or “the way”, I was so intermingled with other people’s consciousnesses, there was little or no discernment. If I went to a Tarot card reader, I would literally believe the tarot card reader at the time without discernment. I was so easily swayed as I was not yet grounded in my own consciousness. I was so easily seduced by things on the “outside”, so easily handed my power over to other people. I was looking to the outside for a “crutch” as I couldn’t yet be confident in my own skin. I was also numb and I couldn’t really feel and perceive myself. I was often a space cadet who lived with my consciousness outside of the body. I had to learn to feel comfortable in my own body again.

There was so much pain, abuse & trauma stored in the body, I often felt limited in my ability to express, had a hard time being clear and direct. It felt like I inherited a body that wasn’t mine. So I had to allow my own free energy body to come in that I was excited to inhabit again, that allowed me to enjoy my embodied realisation, as I wanted to stay on the planet, not leave. The old communication network had to leave, as it was like many aspects pulling in many different directions, and decision making was really difficult at times.
When the old DNA leaves, you have one single integrated voice again rather than hearing the constant chatter of your aspects pulling you in 1000 directions. I felt I was frozen in time a many times, not being able to effect any changes on the outside, a feeling of being paralyzed, not being able to communicate as there was no real I to communicate from yet. (I felt trapped in a crystal cave). Feeling discombobulated as if I had to learn being human again from a new place, learn to communicate again from a new place.
The other thing was to “allow energy to serve me” rather than be a slave to it. I was so used to reacting, being a servant, people pleasing, looking to the outside for commands of what to do etc. that actually allowing energy to serve me was such a foreign concept, because I was so caught in the mental loops of the mind, constantly playing into energy dynamics rather than making choices from a free place, commanding my own energy.

I had left my job & my relationship at the time, moved to Austria to be by myself (I had ungrouped from everything). I made a few new friends who were also going through self realisation. I got involved in some project work and had some on/off romantic experiences…but I had a lot of alone time. (On a side note: It is nearly impossible to have a relationship whilst going through self realisation. I literally didn’t know who I was from one day to the next as I was integrating so many aspects. Also it is hard to have much energy left for nurturing a relationship and be there for someone else as you need almost all the energy for yourself. I had to have so much compassion for what I was going through that it was hard to have compassion for anyone else) It is only after self realisation where I feel like I am entering a space of being able to be in service again and have energy left for other people.

I laid in bed a lot, because even though the human just needs to allow, if you are highly sensitive, you can feel every particle of energy changing in your body and this whole process of energy changing over takes its toll on the body. I attempted many of my own creative endeavors but it all felt really hard and I couldn’t focus. Everything took so much energy and everything felt really complex rather than simple.

I felt so fragile, insecure and lost most of the times. I also felt like I went to the darkest places at times.
And then two days ago, it all fell into place. The heaviness was lifted and the joy returned. I don’t feel all the old issues lingering around anymore. A sense of ease and grace returned and with it a new found creativity and sense of focus. As if all the issues suddenly went puff that had accompanied me for such a long time. I had so many mini realisations over the past year and last weekend felt like a huge leap into my free energy body, into freedom.

Nothing much has changed on the outside yet, I am sure it will as I am stepping into my own creative projects again, but everything on the inside has changed. A sense of calm and peace has returned.

For me the whole self realisation journey officially started 8 years ago and only has come to an end last weekend where I ended the spiritual puberty phase. Now a whole new journey of living my passion and staying embodied on earth, being in service from a new place starts. It was not an easy ride at times and I have made it more difficult for myself than I needed to at times being stubborn…but it feels good coming out the other end now.
Best advice from the last year: To use wisdom over strength!

Funeral Forests in Nature

After publishing my book “Conscious Death Design”, I have learnt that there are countries who don’t allow human ashes to be spread in nature after the body has been cremated by the funeral company. Germany is one of those countries where you’re not allowed to take the ashes home with you and they must stay with the funeral company. During a conversation on my friends Facebook wall, I have learnt that there alternatives out there like funeral forests in nature. Should you live in Germany and wish to get cremated and have your ashes spread in nature when you die, funeral forests might be a great option for you to consider. Click here for a blog that lists funeral forests in Germany. The blog explains why funeral forests have become more popular as they are less cost expensive and provide an alternative solution for anyone who wishes to go beyond the traditional funeral with caskets and bodies buried in the ground.

Urns, Urns, Urns

Did you know that there are many different types of urns out there?

From biodegradable urns that turn into a tree, to urns with custom motives like an owl, to urns that can float in the sea?

When my mum died I wanted to have a “special urn”, something that was unique to our connection and that provided meaning. I chose a biodegradable urn with an owl print to keep her ashes inside, until I released her in nature. The owl represented wisdom and also a sense of freedom, a flying off to other realms, a moving on.

Urns can usually cost between 200-300 Euros, however you can get water urns much cheaper for around 75 Euros if you want to release the ashes into the sea.
Here are some great resources for different types of urns out there, should you ever need to buy one for friends or family. Or you can even chose an urn yourself for when your time has come and let your family know.

The urn is usually sent to the funeral company of your choice for them to put the ashes in, and the urn will then be handed back to the person in charge. In the case of my mum, I was the keeper of the urn until I released her in nature.

A great website for biodegradable urns that turn into a tree is here. Just be aware that it might take years for the tree to grow. There are bio degradable urns for humans & pets. https://urnabios.com/

For urns with various motives, this website is a great resource.

For urns that can float in the sea, Etsy has some great solutions.

Paint your own urn! Did you know that you can even order an urn & an urn painting set and paint your own urn?

You can order urns made out of different materials and also different types of painting styles, like airbrushed urns.

And for something extra extra special, you could even get urns in the design of your favorite car. This company provides some really cool designs.

There is a whole “urn-iverse” out there 🙂